TEAR D0WN THE ->"MY" WALL

I’m  so damnly fall in l0ve this s0ng “since last year”, h0wever every time I hear this s0ng, my chest feel s0 heavy, extremely heavy, my tears started to burst. It is killin’ me s0metimes cuz 0nly me, can feel it, I d0nt think any 0ther family member n relatives will feel such thing eventh th0ugh they are very cl0se except me n my Grandad. But, i d0nt think that I can feel my Grandad’s sadness with0ut her ar0und. All I can say is “I miss her” I miss my late grandma.. I can’t bear this feeling, never ever and f0rever. This feeling has bec0me apart of my life, she will always with me, she is apart of me, always appear in my dreams as well. Always! That’s the pr0mise that was made l0ng time ag0. I’m livin’ in l0neliness with0ut her l0ve. N0b0dy can replace her place. N0 0ne can. S0meh0w, I can feel her existences, very near, very near t0 me. Especially when I prayed, sleep I can feel her embraced. Yea, I did. Can y0u tell me why is it? It is because I miss her s0 much? There are many questi0ns that I wanna ask G0d but I d0nt have the 0pp0rtunity. Never have. S0metimes, I blame Him! I’m so selfish!!! Indeed. I admit it. Questi0ns 4 G0d: Why y0u didn’t listen t0 my prayer? Why it wasn’t the day I was there? Why it was s0 sudden? Why her? n n0t me? D0 y0u jeal0us that I l0ve her m0re than wh0ever la? Why d0nt y0u juz take me bef0re her? Why she always appeared in my dreams? S0metimes she said she l0ves me th0ugh s0metimes she just ign0red me! I really want her to be here. N0w! can? Why she always be there f0r me, near me? did she bec0me my guardian angel? I wish it Daddy G0d. please grant my 0nly truly wish. Juz d0 n0t misunderstand my l0ve t0ward her is different fr0m G0d’s l0ve. G0d is the 1^st, hers the 2^nd, parents, family n friends. Last time I felt that with0ut her, I’m just… whatever la acc0rding t0 y0ur will. “s0und s0 cruel” s0rry Daddy G0d, I juz layan ma s2pid thinking f0r a while~

“H0w evil and godless are the pe0ple of this day! You ask me for miracle? N0! The only miracle you will be given is the miracle of J0nah” Matthew 16: 4

I sh0uldnt ask s0mething that is absurd. I have Jesus, perfect l0ve. I sh0uld accept the fact th0ugh ~ that’s the best.

Dear Daddy G0d, I d0 pray f0r my grandma’s s0ul. Please remind me always t0 pray f0r her dear L0rd G0d. I l0ve her s0 much, c0untless l0ve, f0rever and ever, f0r the rest of my life.

D3viL c0nquer my days~

I’m still piss off with myself!!! 0wh.. what a pathetic life… s0metimes, I ask G0d why wanna give all d challenges when ‘m in 3^rd year n0w? why n0t last semester which I have m0re fun than all these “…” It is because I spend less time with Y0u? n0 rite? “baka questi0n”

Why piss 0ff!!~

                My life, it can be described like shipwrecked. My ship is n0t exactly same like Captain Barb0sa’s ship, mine is 6 times cute than his. Despite the cuteness it has, I d0nt have an excellent captain to handle my ship, I need t0 d0 it myself. What an excited adventure ^^ what will c0me al0ng  my j0urney als0 I’ve n0 idea. Most imp0rtant, enj0y my v0yage t0 everywhere I like.

{this part i can tell that my life bef0re semester start really fun, went vacati0n, camp, sh0pping with family, sleepz n watch tv 4 d wh0le day, eat whateva that I wanna eat “like pig” hahaha.}

                0mg!! Terrible!!! I need s0me0ne in the ship t0 help me t0 change the directi0n!! the sails !! l0wer the sails!! Quick!!!! Quick!! Quick!! I’m idealess!! “panic” All languages I have to use just because want to ask for their help, h0rrible!!! Damn it u all!!! The pe0ple that was in my ship are just my cl0ne. They are panic as I am, w0w.. 0kay, let’s G0d decide f0r us okay? But, with0ut any acti0n h0w la G0d wanna help us!!! I need t0 stay calm!! Rilex babe.. calm d0wn. 0kay, what sh0uld I d0 n0w? The wheel! Yea! Brilliant! I sh0uld turn it 180 degree to get rid fr0m the st0rm at the n0rth, sh0uld I ask my cl0ne t0 dr0p the anch0r t0 st0p the ship while I try t0 turn it t0 180 degree? Indeed!! Really? Hmmm… Perhaps. I just let my finger cr0ss then.

                After a few minutes struggling with the wheel all by myself, I still can feel that my ship still m0ving like usual. 0wh! This is w0rse, Why my ship d0nt even st0p for a while?! it keep on m0ving t0ward the n0rth. 0wh n0!!! The anch0r actually cant reach at the b0tt0m of the 0cean because t0o deep, useless. At least I tried -_-lll the wheel!! S0 hard!! It seems like rusted d, cant even m0ve it, even I have tried t0 use my wh0le b0dy t0 m0ve it. Means, all this while my ship just sailing t0ward n0rth!!! I have never t0uched the wheel laaaa!!!!!! Ha????? N0w, infr0nt of me? The st0rm c0me, every0ne h0ld whatever y0u have!!!! I hug the wheel as str0ng as incredible hulk ever did. Bo0m bo0m, krek krek, prang… what s0und is that? Dunn0.. SHIPWRECKED. I have already tried my best, n0w I just leave everything to Daddy G0d’s hAnDs ^^ aww… my head.. it’s pain!!! Im suff0cated!! Help!! D0nt kn0w h0w t0 swim!! If my all cl0ne die, d0nt care ‘em. But me, I must live, why? N0 idea. At the same time, I see safety jacket was fl0uting next t0 me. Thanks G0d, with0ut your help, I might die. Hey hey hey.. safety jacket, I juz can wear it and make me float, then what?? Haizz… im t0o exhausted and headache t0 think ab0ut it, whatever la G0d.

{ I had faced many challenges la!!! H0w I tried s0 hard t0 save my huge n cute ship. H0w hard my life at UMS that pe0ple th0ught it is okay. In fact, it is n0t. it’s all ab0ut my k0lej e, where sh0uld I g0 practical “idealess with all the f0rms n pr0cedures”, study, midterms, assignments, friendship la kunun -_-‘’’ memang Shipwrecked!!! Even th0ugh, all these hassle tr0uble me n0w, it is actually test fr0m Daddy G0d whether I can bear with it or just give up. Hahaha… He will make a way for me. Be p0sitive ^^}

S0metimes I ask G0d:

  Dear Daddy G0d, I always g0 gathering 0n wed, g0 church every Sunday, always remember You in my every step especially driving, pray bef0re eat, always endev0ur s0 I can read bible everyday “that’s why I b0ught lecti0 divina”.. what else you want  me to d0? Read bible everyday? Pray every single m0ment? Perhaps, but I d0nt kn0w that. I’ll try my best t0 d0 so. Can i? Have faith in Him, walk with Him too s0 I will n0t l0st in this stupid life which is full with satan.. huhu..

ATTENTI0N: S0mething funny cr0ss my mind just n0w, last nite 16^th August 2010. Hahahaa… I saw a guy which I kn0w la, but n0t that cl0se, ok2 la , I tried t0 be friendly h0wever he still like that, ARR0GANT~ plez la… hahha… funny 0wh.. okaylah, maybe he is n0t a friendly type. An h0ur later, he came t0 j0in my friends, and I was sitting with ‘em 2. By the time he sat 0n the chair, the chair was br0ken and he fell d0wn. Wakakakaakakakakakakaakakaka… Satisfied! Arr0gant la again. Hahaha…  I’m s0 cruel 0wh.. satan! Sh0o.. sh0o.. “Takd0k ken0 mengen0 ngan 0rg yg dah takd0k di dunie nie” hahaha…

Enj0y my lame bl0g =p

G0d bless.

Terrible thing happened in the cute nite.

0mg!!!! Daniel fell fr0m Ambr0se m0t0rbike “c0mel is the name given” I was terribly in sh0cked when I heard a small “b00mp” s0und. What was happening?? I saw him juz n0w ride c0mel kind of fast n n0t that balance “fast n furi0us baby!”, then he has g0ne fr0m all pe0ple sight!  ahahahha… then everyb0dy ran as fast as they can t0ward him, I can’t see the accident in fr0nt of my 0wn eyes, I mean to be the witness of the accident h0wever only heard the s0und c0nsidered go0d j0b already rite? hahaha. Weird th0ugh, really, he g0t an accident? Hit a car in fr0nt ypc alamesra there?? C0nfuse me! Nevermind, I j0ined they all ran t0ward where ever it was, felt like marath0n 0wh. pheewwiittt…. Waa… I can see Nich0las ran very fast h0wever Ambr0se, Danis0n and Emmanuel were faster than him indeed, ahahaha.. me? The last 0ne 0f c0urse. Patricia? Why you are at the back? C0me j0in me, pat! Lets marrath0n together, ok? The best part of my st0ry  that I really like is when I saw Danis0n ran at the opp0site site, ran for help, perhaps, I still g0t time t0 laugh. It was because it has never cr0ss my mind that he’ll be n0t ok. Actually I was thinking that he might have a light injured c0z it didnt make sense if he actually accident by himself.  The time I finished my marrath0n, I saw him laying with “c0mel” on his lap and he c0mplained that he was hurt and that was pain, I’m surprised t00 death! Praise the L0rd! he is well ok n fully c0nsci0us, n0 head bleeding, 0nly 0ne his leg stuck there, I d0nt kn0w what they call that.. ‘’pedal kot or d m0t0rstand or whateva’’. Luckily he still can feel his leg, thanks G0d. The m0st fear thing for me was his head c0z he didn’t use helmet by the time he speed. “Awww… that’s hurt!!!!!!

                    "pity c0mel"

 Awwwwww…” hahahaha… if me la that.. 0opss.. my bad my bad. 0k, t0uchw00d, t0uchw0od n t0uchwo0d… all I can see is the co0perati0n between all the LF pe0ple there “Emmanuel, Ambr0se, Nich0las, Danis0n, Shar0n n wh0ever there la, g0t 2 0utside pe0ple as well, all I can remembered was Patricia was standing next to him and I guess she was c0ns0ling him there, gratefully she was next to him”. That was scary!! They tried to release his leg fr0m wateva of c0mel’s part la that. I felt awful f0r him. He kept asking his spectacle n Pat kind of blur next t0 him, still wandering ar0und for that speck, I als0 keep my eyes widely 0pen to see where exactly it was fell. i c0uldnt find it, s0rry, at that time I felt kind of a bit dark, dunn0… hehe.. H0wever, the m0st funniest thing was!!!!! Ambr0se!!! You still have time to take picture of him with ur “C0mel”! You sh0uld help him first instead of taking picture! What a clever guy! Go0d j0b! “with thumb up”. Hahaha… Later upl0ad it at facebo0k as a pr0ve that Daniel injured himself! hahahaha… and d0nt f0rget t0 sh0w it t0 wh0ever la. Wakakaka. Wh000aa… That was my sec0nd times saw pe0ple get injured after m0t0r accident “ the first 0ne when I was with Daniel, Patricia and Ivy when a lady asked us to send her back after she got an accident due to a big car 0vertake the 0ther car and hit their m0t0r “a lady and his b0yfriend I guess””!! I’m still trauma!!!!0mg!!I c0uldnt help myself! I can feel that I was trembling on that time, a bit c0nfuse, scared n as if I was dizzy to0 as he was. Well, trauma pe0ple always like that perhaps. Then, Daniel said he should be alright c0z n0 blo0d on his upper b0dy part, 0nly his right leg g0t little injury, his head d0nt kn0w th0ugh his sh0ulder g0t a scary bruise c0z the c0l0ur in the middle of it was blue… scary~_~  h0pefully daddy G0d will pr0tect Him fr0m any seri0us injury. I just keep my finger cross then. 

Jumpstart!! 0wh yea baby!!! I like jumstart!!! 5 rates!!! 10.0 Over 9.0.. ahahaha…

I’ve never th0ught that I’m actually have visi0n n missi0n in life! H0nestly, it has never cr0ss in my mind ab0ut missi0n n visi0n in life. H0w ab0ut u then? Hahaha… sh0w 0ff nie after knew what I want to d0 in this sh0rt life.. w0w.. a very special thanks 2 jumpstart speaker :Mr DErreck Ch0ng!!! he is the best, praise d L0rd. thank y0u daddy G0d f0r sending me there till end of it. Actually, i th0ught that I’m g0ing back at the first place, h0wever after prayed t0 Daddy G0d f0r his guide,

“Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the do0r will be 0pened t0 th0se wh0 kn0ck.” Mathew 7:7

he 0ffered me an0ther better plan and I d0 really thank Him! Wh00aaa… I L0ve u JC ^^ I f0und 0ld me during jumpstart n I’ve kn0wing and understanding myself m0re which I never care bef0re~ hahaha.. in additi0n, I’ve learned m0re!!! thru their sharing etc. bez!!! Extremely bez, satisfied n enj0yed “t0 kn0w m0re ab0ut myself, desire in life, plan 4 it, future place n bla bla bla!!” it was really w0rth it!! D0 n0t waste your $ wit unuseful stuff. Everything that we 0wn in this life is just temporary. $$ is n0thing~ agree? Hahaha… “d0 charity la many many many especially d0nate y0ur $ or anything t0 the needed- angela shared ab0ut her d0nati0n n G0d always help her” Praise d L0rd^^ Daddy G0d always has a better plan for each of us here, wh0 always pray, praise n w0rship Him.my everything is d0ne acc0rding t0 His will. I’ll accept whatever u ask me dear L0rd G0d. “Yes, I d0” -> 4 u L0rd G0d.

bible verse: later i'll p0st here

Armour up d bez!!

I’m changed after I j0ined arm0ur up lifeline camp! Wh0aaa… I d0nt even believe it! But, I did change ^^ spiritual life n m0re active than bef0re, im n0 longer shy2 cat like last semester.. huhuhu.. mentally change.

keyb0ard!!! yeay!!! act dunn0 h0w t0 play T_T

Shar0n, me n cassandra dear~

frens fr0m emp0wered ministry ~ h0bard, edmund, alex n pius ^^ all of 'em are s0 friendly.

Wat I wanna share here is ab0ut the nite when fr.sim0n h0ld the h0ly sacrament, while he prayed, and he asked experienced pe0ple t0 pray 0ver t0 0thers, then I’ve t0ld the girl that Im g0ing to be the catcher. ” when d pe0ple already ann0ited by h0ly spirit then they start to faint, and catcher will help ‘em fr0m falling”,I want t0 try that!!! She said yes. H0wever, when the times c0me, she h0ld my hand n bring me in d middle to be the first pers0n t0 be prayed 0ver. 0h n0!!! At the same time, I t0ld her: “why me? N0t me first, I want to be the catcher” and I endeavour to release my hand, h0wever I was in the middle there already, what can I do then? The best way was juz received the h0ly spirit. All I can tell during that time was I can feel L0rd Jesus was entering the ro0m n I fainted, suddenly I had the visi0n of a girl wh0 had died n all pe0ple gather ar0und her m0urned and cried like crazey, I felt odd and I think I knew it!! Then I saw L0rd Jesus entered the h0use “if I’m n0t mistaken, that h0use really old, I mean from what I can see that the inside of the h0use looked like sixty century, err.. n0 idea ab0ut it”. Suddenly, I can feel that L0rd Jesus c0me near to me, and I was actually the girl wh0 was laying 0n the bed. I was actually that girl. I really d0nt kn0w what exactly Lord Jesus want to tell me, perhaps he wanted me to live with a new page of life, n0 w0rry, he always there to forgive me.. after that, I juz cried 0ut l0ud.

bible verse:

JAIRUS DAUGHTER
“Your daughter has died,” , he t0ld Jairus; “d0nt b0ther the Teacher any l0nger.” But Jesus heard it and said to Jairus, “d0nt be afraid; 0nly believe and she will be well.” Every0ne there was crying and m0urnin for the child. Jesus said, “d0nt cry; the child is n0t dead-she is 0nly sleep!ng!” but Jesus t00k her hand and called out, “Get up, my child!” her life returned, and she g0t up at 0nce. Luke 8:50, 52-55.

Vacati0n t0 Kuch~

St. J0seph Kuching ^_~

Unexpected!!! First thing in my mind was church!! Hahaha… n0rmal as a christian girl wh0 keep w0rrying ab0ut church when staying with her best friend wh0se malay cute girl^^ hahaha… I observed every r0ad there, all I can see was temple n mosque.. church please!!! I cried haha.. ganas dis.. then, really having fun there with my best friends visit here n there “cultural village, etc” despite having fun there, i really c0uldnt stand with0ut seeing where exactly the church is -_-‘’’ suffer 0wh… then msg 0ne of my me0w fren, th0ugh his resp0nd juz tellin’ me d l0cati0n that I really hv n0 idea. Then I asked what time was a d church service there, n0rmal feedback. 0mg! I d0nt have any 0ther me0w fren, 0ther at Sabah. Haiz.. n0 invitati0n t0 bring me there? He actually als0 d0nt have his 0wn car la. Cant help me, kihkihkih.. then, Im lucky en0ugh to have a kind hearted seni0r wh0 was willingly to fetch t0 d church. Yeay!!!! Praise d L0rd..

“Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the do0r will be 0pened t0 th0se wh0 kn0ck.” Mathew 7:7

 furthermore, spend with ums rc fren, prec, dan, ick n new fren, hang 0ut la at nite^^ went church was the best part in my vacati0n there. The old classic n unique st.j0seph church is really extravaganza. Super perfect! Ala2 0rg putih… 0mg! fall in l0ve with that building~ bez bez bez!!

boulevard with Nisa t0k

m0del viva car in fr0nt of H0p0h ^^

4^th day at srwk thr…

Pagi ya mek n azzah jumpa nisa d emart, then p mkn d café car wash sia.. pas ya, p boulevard jalan2 n ambil gmbr sinun, dlm kedai ya sik ble ambil gmbr, sik kesah la boleh ka sik boleh ka, yg penting kmk org gumbira.. haha… sweet mem0ry… pas ya, mek bgambar ngan badut la k0n0n2.. wahaha.. sja2 la..  then ptg pas boulevard, g taman budaya… apa dip0lah? Beri mkn ikan la… smbil santé santé ba.. hahaha… best la beri mkn ikan, siap nanga asu, nisa ingat statue.. whaha… best la.. hampir malam da ya, p H0p0h kejap jua… bli key chain n azzah’s klip n earing.. lupa mk bhs srwk apa da 2.. pas 1 jam sinun, p pasar malam ngan azzah’s m0m… murah2 souvenirs sinun.. waaa…. Hahaa… the end~

5^th day~

Waaa… m0rning ar0und 8 went church… st j0seph… s0 cute, unique n best la d church.. I like!!!!!! S0 damn  much… s0 much diff wif kk 1 la tat 4 sure… suddenly, I saw “0m” plak… they ol wre sitting fr0nt r0w ^^… I t0t 0nly kk gt 0m, perhaps nick n danis0n pr0m0te kuch 2 them ba… gud also la, reduce 0m2 d sabah… 0pss…(p/s:  juz kidding k) jahat 0wh me…. S0rry lar.. then r0und n round n r0und at that place n luckily at last gt parking…totally wasting fuel tat… 3 of us went eat at “DUNN0 D NAME” Nick’s suggesti0n tat… wala0 eh… need 2 wait 4 half n hr 2 gt drinks then 1hr 4 d fo0d 0_o… 0mg… “patient is a virtue”… nvm la… best experience ba… wahahaha… gt many pep0l waiting… then the fud came… jeng jeng… delicious 0wh… I like d mian.. dunn0 wat is d mian’s name d.. I juz eat ma.. huhu… aftr tat… went watrfr0nt thr again… wanna naik the penambang cr0ss the srwk river 2 astana n DUN

.. haha.. best lar.. t0ok many pic, crazy pic als0 gt.. I 0moz 4gt2 pay -_-lll.. raining owh d time we went bek.. aftr that, went h0p0h 2  buy drinks, lastly, went bek lar..

i like this picture^^

me, azzah n t0h s0on

Went tar0t café meet my seni0r “abg angkat T0h S0on”.. talk b0ut li ^^ waa.. t0ugh 0wh.. he cia us drinks..”me  n azzah”

Then, aftr tat went 2 baitul’s nw h0use.. cute-> h0use, cat n her lil br0^^

Ma lyfe n0w n be4

It is very surprised actually for me t0 write a bl0G..

Well, time change everything dude…

LifE in uni really hard f0r me, pe0ple ar0und me etc… what else I want t0 say. Im s0 Lucky to have my  2^nd family here, UMS >.< life fire is my sec0nd family!! Praise d L0rd!!! They ol are my family, without Life fire, I’m al0ne at uni, wh00aaaa…  it is true u kn0e! I als0 dunn0 h0ws I survived in this “cruel w0rld” <- w0rd I described this w0rld bef0re. . CSG?? Hmm…Llke family la. Maybe yes, maybe n0, n0b0dy cares ab0ut me pun, as if I wasn’t existed. P0or me, went gathering weekly als0 they ol didn’t kn0w me.. akakaka… funny, n0rmallah ^^ G0d whispered 2 me -> I’ll make a way.

“Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the do0r will be 0pened t0 th0se wh0 kn0ck. W0uld any of y0u wh0 are fathers give your s0n a st0ne when he asks for a bread? 0r w0uld you give him a snake when he asks for a fish?” Mathew 7: 7-10

Hehe.. “Life Fire is f0r u dear~” yeay!!!   Lets flash back when I was a first year student, my life at uni was suck, terrible, pity, kinda l0nely “why I said s0? Huhu… went church all by myself, frends? Err… I didn’t have any cl0se friend, just a gr0up 0f frenz which n0t sama head with me. 0opps, revealing my 0wn secret. Wh00aaaa… when think it back, I was s0 gallant! Can u imagine went church al0ne with bus th0ugh but went back church?? Al0ne dude, indeed n always. Well, used 2 it, I guess it was ok for me >,< wahaha… 0k???? my answer was : N0!!!  l0ne ranger dude! T_T’’’  Crazey + immature + pathetic girl th0ught = I wish I have s0meb0dy to acc0mpany me to g0 church, perhaps b0yfrienD??? Pleeeezzzzz, best friend la. Ahahaha… my best buddy~ bef0re this, I always pray to daddy G0d t0 send my s0lely best friend and h0ped she’ll be accepted in UMS as well s0 b0th of us can g0 church t0gether, h0wever her STPM result upset her. I was s0 sad for her as well. Damn! Why it happened to her.. huh… life! Life! Life! In spite of my best endeavours to keep in t0uch with her after her result made her d0wn, it seems impossible. Since matrix, I prayed for her STPM s0 b0th of us can enter UMS. Th0ugh…  “A friend in need is a friend indeed” I cried t0 daddy G0d to send her to me s0 I have friends to go church and sh0pping. I had g0ne thru a very hard time there “matrix Labuan”! h0mesick, l0nely -> n0 friend, shy2 mcm babi, l0w self esteem etc. it was a KMHELL for me.. ahak!! Why ol this happened to me? I was c0ntented with my life d! Even th0ugh had hard life there, I was lucky enuf t0 have 3 sweet rumates~ l0ve ‘em!!!!! Thanks dears~ “y0h, iqa n fel” ~ ai ta men~